Grandpa & Grandma -- 8-15-22

Last night, Grandpa had me look in the closet in the laundry room (the "little bedroom" as we call it, I believe, though I don't think it was ever a bedroom...) for a new bag for the vacuum. Yes, an old enough model to require a vacuum bag. ;) - It feels like one of those "if you give a mouse a cookie" stories, but go figure when I looked in the closet to get the vacuum bag, I saw a bunch of Grandma's old sweaters, cardigans, and shirts hanging up, which, of course, reminded me of Grandma. And reminded me how much I miss her. And the sweaters still smelled like her and the cardigans still had old crumpled tissues in the pockets. I nearly expected her to come around the corner and put one on. I was really wishing she would. - I mentioned it to Grandpa-- missing Grandma. Naturally, he shared the sentiment. To him, she was a wonderful wife and mother. To me, she was a wonderful grandma. She was an all-around wonderful lady, and we loved her, and as such, now that she's gone, we miss her. - The thing about missing her is that it reminds me how grateful I am to still have Grandpa. So it's kinda bittersweet. I wish I still had Grandma--boy how I wish!--but knowing she's gone keeps me remembering that people are temporary--they don't live forever--and that reminds me to make the most of the time with the people I still have. Like Grandpa. - I miss my dear Grandma. A whole lot. And so I cherish deeply my time with Grandpa; I know someday I'll miss him too. But not right now I won't, because he's still here. And I'm deeply grateful for that. 💚 --- old writing I stumbled upon tonight: --- What do I want maybe most in the world? I want to hug my Grandma. I want to fold into her sun-spotted arms. I want to press against her wrinkled cheek. I want to breathe in the sweet nostalgic scent of the hairspray she uses to keep her light white curls intact, and the gentle musky perfume she’s applied since forever, and I want to match the pace of my tennis shoes to that of her old tan oxfords as they scuff dependably across the floor. I want to hug my Grandma. But I can’t. I can’t hug her anymore-- she’s no longer here to hug. She’s passed away. She’s inhabiting Heaven. I still want to hug her. I really want to. I miss her something awful. But I’m okay. It’s okay. Because Grandma’s okay. She finally truly is. And someday… Oh, someday soon… Someday soon, I’ll be okay too. I'll be somewhere Where I'll no longer miss her. And I’ll be there forever At long lovely last. 💚

Kansas - here I go

 Kansas, 2 yrs ago.

(A missions trip with my youth group to serve at a children's Christian summer camp.)

I thought being 20 hrs away from home for 10 days was gonna be the end of the world.

It wasn't.

It was the first doorway into a new world for me - Kansas, then my first real job, then off to college...

Kansas wasn't the end of the world; it was the beginning of a new world.

2 yrs later I find myself feeling again like it's the end of my world. But not because of another new and strange beginning; this time, it's because of an ending.

The end of my college career (for the foreseen future anyway) - the end, the very bitter end, of 16 years of school (preschool all the way thru 2 yrs of college).

I've been "an adult" for two years now, but only just now does it really feel like my adulthood is beginning.

I just filed taxes for the first time, for goodness' sake.

I am finishing my decade-and-a-half-long school career.

I am ending everything I've ever known.

At 20 years old, I should feel that my life is only just beginning.

But instead I feel a deep and dark and very bitter ending.

I don't know where I'm going. And even with my faint ideas and plans for the future, I'm not fond of the unfamiliarity. The uncertainty and the unmarked territory.

Here I go, a timid 20, into the vast unknown of adulthood.

Here I go from 16 years of school straight into the workforce, straight into a new job.

Here I go armed with dusty old childhood dreams, a bubbling cauldron of anxiety, and very little real-life experience, very very little connection with reality.

Here I go, with a teardrop cowering in the corner of my eye, with my resume, my little white car, my student loans, my stash of stuffed animals, my dismal hopes, my faded dreams, my raging fears, the occasional coffee, a few too little hours of sleep, and my sometimes flagging faith.

Here I go.

I am anxious.

I am uncertain.

I am feeling woefully unprepared, more than a little depressed, absolutely clueless and terribly unconfident.

But here I go.

And go I must.

And all I can do is continue to remind myself Who goes with me... and with Whom I go. 💚✝

Nobody But God

Nobody but God.

No significant other

No parent

No friend

No cherished loved one

No respected colleague

No pastor

No counselor

No role model

No one

Nobody but God

Can complete you.

Nobody but God can provide true fulfillment.

Nobody but God can offer true wholeness.

Nobody but God can give true (lasting) joy, true (all-encompassing) peace, true (fulfilling) love.

Nobody but God can truly minister to your deepest pain, deepest sorrow, deepest grief and guilt and despair.

Others can certainly help. They may be used by Him to help.

But they can't go all the way. They can't completely fix things.

Nobody but God can do that.

In honesty-- at this point in my life I often find myself longing for a boyfriend. I find myself--might I remind myself, mistakenly--thinking that a boyfriend would make me feel complete, truly loved, satisfied, whole, content.

But that's not true.

Nobody but God can do that. Nobody but God can truly give me those things.

If I expect to be complete and fulfilled by the presence of a boyfriend, I'd only be crushed and further dismayed on finding that he can't do that. He's not capable. No human being is capable of fully completing me, fulfilling me, making me feel truly, wholly at peace.

Nobody but God.

No matter how I think or feel, the truth of the matter is that nobody (but God) can fully satisfy me. Nobody but God can give me true fulfillment. Nobody but God can provide true contentment.

That's (more than) cause enough to turn to Him for true fulfillment, wholeness, joy, peace, and love.

He is complete.

He is not lacking.

He is perfect.

He is the true Source of true joy, peace, and love.

Turn to The Complete and what do you receive? Completeness.

Turn to the incomplete and what do you receive?... Exactly.

Turn to God. 

You belong to Him.

He alone can satisfy. 💚✝️

Every Careless Word

"...out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment ***people will give account for every careless word they speak***, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” --Matthew 12:34-37

-

"...on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak... for by your words you will be condemned."

-

I don't know about you, but that's terrifying.

Horrifying.

And it should be.

-

One day, friend, after you've left this world behind, you are going to stand--if you're even able to--before God-- holy, righteous, pure, blameless, just, jealous, perfect, mighty God.

And you're going to give an account for every careless word you've ever spoken.

Before a holy, righteous, perfect God-- who knows everything you've done, in public and in secret... every word you've spoken... every thought that's crossed your mind...

Every

careless

word.

-

Little sobering, isn't it?

A lot sobering.

It should make your knees knock and your spine shiver.

It should make you reevaluate yourself, your habits, your lifestyle...

And it should cause you to change.

Drastically change.

Leave all that's dead and broken and evil and dirty and sinful behind you.

Leave it.

Let go of it.

Let

go.

You must.

You need to.

-

Have you forgotten who you're living for?

You're not living for yourself--you're not supposed to be, anyway!

You're not living for other people--and/or their approval.

That's not why or how you were made.

That's not your purpose.

That's not the point.

-

You are to be living for Him.

For God.

For God and His glory.

And for God and His glory ALONE.

For God and His glory COMPLETELY.

-

I don't think you understand.

(Don’t worry (too much)-- by the way I live and think, it would certainly seem that I don’t completely understand either.)

-

By saying "you're not here to live for other people and their approval or lack thereof," I do NOT mean:

 

1. "So Grandma says your shorts are too short and your shirt's too low-- eh, whatever! You're not living for her approval. Wear whatever you want."

--You're living for HIS. Dress like it. Honor Him in how you dress.

--MODESTY.

--You're not dressing--not to be dressing--for yourself or others, but for Him. Thus, honor your own body-- clothe it appropriately. And dress to honor Him. Dress to bring glory to Him, not glory to yourself or to the body He gave to you. It's not your body. It doesn't belong to you. It's His.

--Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. It is God’s temple. It is NOT YOURS. Do what is holy with your body and how you present it.

 

2. "So your pastor preached a sermon on the sin of profanity and that you need to stop swearing-- eh, whatever! You're not living for his approval. Say whatever you want."

--You're living for HIS. Talk like it. Honor Him in how you speak.

--EVERY. CARELESS. WORD. Every careless word. Do you get what this means?? God is a holy God! He has specifically commanded us not to use vulgar (or careless..) language! Stop swearing! Stop taking His name in vain! Stop profaning it! God is a HOLY God! STOP!

--Watch how you talk and communicate-- not just swearing, but everything else, too. Let your words be gracious, kind... words that build up instead of tear down. Honor God in how you talk to those made in His image.

--This includes gossip. Honor God **completely** in how you speak. Tarnishing someone’s reputation behind their back, poking fun, publicly discussing their faults or shortcomings or qualities you don’t like… they have been made in the image of God, and so have you. Be kind and respectful to and about them, and honor yourself and God in the words you say. Let your words be kind, compassionate, encouraging, gracious. Let them be a testament and a testimony. You’re not speaking for yourself or for others-- you’re to be speaking for God and for His glory. Make sure you truly are.

 

3. "So your dad reminded you not to listen to that music with all the profanity and raciness... and not to look at all that suggestive stuff online... and not to watch those gory, racy, profane movies you like-- eh, whatever! You're not living for his approval. Consume whatever media you want."

--You're living for HIS. Fill your mind like it. Honor Him in what media you consume-- music, movies, Internet habits, etc. Honor Him in what you listen to, watch, look at, think about, and dwell on.

-

-

In short, friend, don’t live for yourself.

Stop living for yourself.

Live for Christ.

Fully.

Wholeheartedly.

Sincerely.

ONLY.

Doing so is a constant battle, a daily one, one that is not easily fought or even conquered. But no matter how hard it is, don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop striving, every day, every hour, every minute, every second, and the spaces between the seconds too-- don’t stop striving to be more like Christ and less like yourself and this sinful world we live in.

-

Remember, friend, one day you’re going to give an account for EVERY CARELESS WORD you’ve spoken. You’re going to stand before a holy, mighty God who knows everything you’ve ever done or said.

Knowing that should radically change how you live your life in the present.

-

It’s a high call, friend.

A serious one.

An important one.

-

Answer it.

-

Live completely for Christ.

-

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.” ~Romans 6:11-14

Christ in the Chaos

 chaos.

twisting funnel clouds

invisible

spreading panic

swirling doom--

are you caught up in the winds?

are you buffeted by the gusts?

feet out from under you

flat on your back

staring up

helplessly

hopelessly

at a black sky of despair.

-

so this is what it is.

so this is what it's come to.

heavy hearts

cold tears

ravaged minds.

disparaged souls.

-

has the enemy plundered your spirit?

has the winter wind dried out your hope?

have you been conquered by the icy waters?

have you been suffocated by the driving rain?

-

do you feel that you're drifting

lost and alone

on an endless sea of uncertainty?

do you feel that you're plodding

wearily, weakly,

into the onset of merciless winds?

dead on your feet

dead tired on your feet

giving every last shred

of shredded faith

just to make the next step?

just to make the next breath?

-

-

be reassured.

breathe.

you will get through this storm.

you will weather these waves.

you will break through these winds.

even when your broken feet

fall out from under you

and the sky cracks over you

and crashes down 

upon your broken body--

you will yet stand 

and walk

and run

and fly

again.

not because you have magical feet

or magical bones

or a magical spirit--

but because you have a real

powerful

honest-to-goodness 

God.

-

the winds you face

are the winds He put there.

the waves you fear

are the waves He put there.

the chaos

the tumult

the unknown

the blackness--

yes

it is scary.

but that doesn't mean 

you have to be scared.

-

you serve a good God

Who creates the waves.

Who conducts the winds

and sends them where He wills.

and so perhaps this uncertainty

is not for torment

or fear.

perhaps this uncertainty

is simply to remind you:

-

even in the chaos,

your Savior is here. 💚✝️

Joy Even Here

 Where is the spark?

Where is the joy?

Where is the wonder that once was?

-

Here.

It can be here.

It is allowed to be right here.

I am allowed to let it be right here.

It is here.

-

Too often, I take long, wistful strolls down my golden-hued memory lane, lingering longingly over memories of past events, accomplishments, and emotions.

And sometimes I get kinda sad. 

"I miss..." I'll say, or, "I wish..." or, "if only..." or, "it's too bad..."

But it isn't.

It isn't too bad.

It is alright. Just alright.

Yes, I may still "miss". I may still "wish". And that's okay-- I am allowed to grieve what used to be but what is no more; I am allowed to remember, with sad fondness, what happiness I have had before.

But I am not allowed to stay staring into the past.

I am not allowed to make a lifestyle of living in the murky, tearstained shadow of my longings, my regrets.

I am allowed to grieve.

I am allowed to miss.

But then I need to move on.

And I am furthermore allowed to find joy even in the present as well. I am allowed to rediscover the beauty of the everyday-- the same beauty that colors my fond memories of the past.

-

All we have is now.

Yesterday is gone; tomorrow is never certain.

And our now, our present moments-- they, eventually, become our past. Our future eventually becomes our past.

So we need to take in the here and now.

We need to be invested in the present.

We need to let go of our rearview mirror longings (beautiful though the past may have been), and we need to remember to keep looking ahead and keep looking around, keep looking up.

For it is only then that we will discover the wonder, the glory, the joy that we continually seek.

And we will realize that even here,

Even now,

Life

Can still be 

Beautiful. 🌿

- on happiness -

Sometimes, I

Am a little afraid

To allow myself

To be happy.

Sometimes

I pass up moments

Of joy

Because I am afraid

They will not last.

Because I am afraid

The joy's not real.

Because I am afraid

I will emerge

From that golden moment

Only to find myself

Plunged into darkness

Again.

But sometimes

I realize

That I must savor my joy.

I must seize the moment

And let the happiness

Surround me

And encase me

And fill me up

However much it may.

For I know

Happiness

Will not stick around 

Permanently--

But a drop here

And a drop there--

Even for a moment,

Even in the middle of 

The gloom--

Even a single drop

Of happiness

Is potent

And beautiful.

So I will take in each ounce

Each fragment

Each shard.

And I will savor

And smile

And press on 

Through the next patch of darkness

Until I reach

The light of joy

Again. 🌲💚

Love.

"Whom do you love?"
It's an important question--one that begs a much-needed answer from all of us.
-
Here's mine: "I love my family, my friends, God, and everybody (that includes President Trump, Speaker Pelosi, the NRA, the Planned Parenthood folks, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, criminals... e v e r y b o d y)."
-
Love, after all, cannot be selective. Affection, sure. Preference, certainly. But not love. For if we are selective in who we choose to love, we will start to make a spectrum on which we place people according to our feelings toward them--and this can be dangerous. We do not have to like everyone, but we must love them--we are called to love them--or else we will crumble apart.
-
To love people is the Golden Rule, the epicenter of life and harmony as we know it. Without love we are nothing. We become disconnected and unfeeling. We put up fences and "keep out" signs where desired, then turn around and greet our "loved ones" with a wide smile and an open door.
-
"Come, put up your feet, make yourself at home," we offer. But we leave everyone else on the other side of that tall barbed fence, wondering and stewing and harboring hate.
-
And just as one cannot fight fire with fire, so one cannot fight hatred with more hatred. (This only produces hatred squared, hatred on top of hatred, which rises and grows until we lose ourselves to the blackness of bitterness.)
-
But, for all my mortal speculations on the subject of love, nothing puts it better than the Bible, which boldly declares, "(1) If I speak in tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. (2) If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. (3) If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing" (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
-
Incredible. You can be an acclaimed musical artist, a top model, a lauded professor, a bestselling author, a famous pastor, a talented speaker--you can be anything, and you can be amazing, but if you do not have love--if you do not love--then you are nothing. You have nothing.
-
Love, thus, is e v e r y t h i n g.
-
Love brings water to the wasteland and sunshine to the storm. Love bridges the divide and settles the dispute, and it does not back down. It does not hesitate, hedge, hover, waver, or wait. Love gets right out in the thick of it, in the trickiness, and it gets right to work--tearing down walls, laying out welcome mats. Love says hello with a smile, holds the door, tips the hat, makes room for the lonely and embraces the outcast.
-
So.
None of us deserve love.
All of us have been given love.
Love is important.
Love is necessary.
Love is everything.
-
Now here's the make-or-break question you must answer for yourself:
-
Whom do *you* love? 💚🍃

Human.

A human's a human.
A human's a human.
A human's a human.
And humans are important.
-
No matter the clothing
No matter the car
No matter the appearance
No matter the annual income
No matter the job
No matter the reputation
No matter the gender
No matter the skin color
No matter the nationality
No matter the ethnicity
No matter the religion
No matter the background
No matter the political party
No matter the age
No matter the personality
No matter the anything.
-
A human's a human.
(In the womb, in the hursing home, and everything in between.)
-
Granted, humans don't always make the right choices.
But that does not diminish their importance.
Their value.
Their worth.
(And if we make it to,
We're making a mistake.)
-
Every human's a human.
And every human was made by God.
And every human is infinitessimally important.
And we must do the best we can
To love every human
And to help every human
And to show every human just how valuable they are.
-
For, after all,
We
Are human too.

- beauty in the uncertainty -

u n c e r t a i n t y .

--not very thrilling.

we despise uncertainty.

we despise the waiting, the wondering, the wandering...

--waiting for the test results. waiting for the big break. waiting for the text, the letter, the sign, the gift, the paycheck, the phone call, the visit, the breakthrough.

--wondering what will happen. wondering if the offer will come through, if the money will appear, if the problem will be solved, if things will work out okay, if she'll say yes, if he'll stay, if anything will ever go back to normal.

--wandering through the valley. wandering through the pit of desapir, wandering down the highway, wandering from city to city, wandering hospital halls, wandering the lonely Internet.

it is in times of uncertainty when everything is suddenly up in the air.

we are lost.

we are clueless.

we are in utter despair.

and i am no different.
i loathe uncertainty.
i cannot stand it.
i, rather, prefer to hold the reigns, prefer to be in a bit of control.
i like to direct the sails.
i like to chart the course.

but... maybe there is a little bit of beauty in the uncertainty...

a little bit of wonder.
of hope.
of glory.

maybe there is something entirely freeing of surrendering control...
something magical, almost, of freefalling...

...right into the arms of a merciful Savior.

and, in the middle of uncertainty, that is often what we are forced--or blessed?--to do.

-

so when next you find yourself in the dumps, the valley, the questioning, the waiting room, the pain, the funeral home, the waiting, wondering, or wandering--

take a moment to look
for the beauty
in the midst
of the uncertainty.
-
you'll find a glorious Savior
to meet you there. 🍀💚

Song lyrics to remember

Your heartbeat
Is drumming in your ears
Which way's it gonna fall?
You're hopeless
Your peace has disappeared
With your back against the wall...
And I can't promise you that
I know all the answers
But I know the One Who does...
You are not alone
Keep your chin up, soldier
You're almost home!
(Potential song lyrics. Posting to remember. Will delete later.)