movin' on .. maybe -- from 2-26-23

 sometimes we must move on.

sometimes all we can do is move on.

sometimes we must simply move on.

sometimes it's as simple as moving on.

sometimes, though it hurts, we must move on.

sometimes we just must.

--

From August 2021 to May 2022, I was enrolled at the loveliest little Christian college.

For 9 crazy and wonderful months, I was a Grace Tiger.

My coach still tells me I am yet a Tiger.

But of course it doesn't feel the same. I was a Tiger for a year, I may forever be an old/alumnus/honorary Tiger, but I will (likely) never actively be a Tiger again.

It cuts. 

Like tiger claws shredding my heart. 

It really hurts.

these days I am a mostly-miserable community college student. I'm the worst student I've ever been. last semester I got a 3.47 GPA. I've never had a GPA that low. I didn't make any lists--not the President's List, not even the Dean's List.

last year, as a Tiger, I made President's and then Dean's.

I've just become worse and worse as a student since high school.

i don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

these days I am filling my time, my soul, my heart, my head with select 80s music, inflated procrastination, the looming doom and gloom of the future, and the ever-abiding (even if just an undercurrent) feelings of hopelessness, despair, and emptiness.

I go back and forth, often, on longing for a boyfriend/future husband as well. I've never been in that kind of relationship. sometimes I doubt I ever will. sometimes I'm sure I will someday, but I'm tired of waiting. sometimes I'm scared of the prospect of being in a relationship like that. sometimes I don't mind being single; it's "safer," it's familiar, I can handle it and maybe I'll be single forever.

more than longing for love... I'm longing for just something fulfilling. something reassuring. something exciting, some sort of adventure, but careful and calm and controlled, too. something with just the right balance of surprise and familiarity; something perfectly thrilling and gentle all at once. it's a balance.

spring break's coming up. I've never really done anything for spring break. this time I'm thinking I've got to do something. I've just got to get out of here, even if it's just a day trip, something, anything. I've felt stagnant and trapped, almost, for far too long and I just need some sort of little lovely adventure.

I'll probably just go out on a drive. that's what I do, when I can, to make myself feel better or at least to better tolerate the awfulness.

i went on a midnight drive a couple weeks ago. I'd never done that before. i just walked out to my car at midnight and drove off down rumbly dirt roads, through a tiny sleeping town, around a little lake, past country houses, down country roads, for a good 45 minutes or more, phoneless (how freeing) and having swapped out the current CD in the player for an old favorite I hadn't played since summer.

it was a good drive.

it did make me feel a bit better.

come to think.... i'd like to do it again.

maybe I just will.