This is a moment of weakness, and this is a semi-impulsive post.
My emotions are running high (low?) per usual, and, per usual, I am feeling--in a considerably untimely manner--like writing something full of passion and promise and pain.
This one might be heavy on the pain.
And the passion.
As you'll come to (or have already come to) see, I am imperfect. I am cracked. I am broken. I am crazy and ridiculous and unprofessional and weird and not normal. (Is anybody normal? Sometimes it seems like everyone but me...)
Currently, I am searching. Not for faith--I already "found" that quite some time ago, though I am trying to try to make it stronger.
Currently, I am hurting. I am confused. I am puzzled and sorrowful and stricken and feeling just the slightest bit hopeless. Not in God--I know He'll always come through. I am feeling hopeless in myself. I am feeling like I may never really improve or get fixed or be normal or return to the me I once was... the me I'm pretty sure I once was... the me I would very much like to be.
Currently, this moment, I am here. I am writing and thinking and hoping and longing.
You are currently reading this.
(Thank you.)
Currently we are both. We are just both. We are me and you together, you and me, us, combined, one unto ourselves.
I am grateful to you for listening and you are--dare I say--expanded for doing so.
Thank you.
Here goes.
-----
Well my self-esteem dropped
And my weight went up
And one of my best friends has a boyfriend...
-
I'm losing everything I hold dear
'Cuz I'm losing myself
-
I don't think anybody can help me
Or even understand me
It all makes me feel so lonely
And empty
Please help me
-
But I can't even cry
I'm just too worn to try
To get up again.....
-----
(It's a song. A messy one, thought up in the shower and sloppily penned, with improper grammar and incorrect sentence structure. A gem, I know, you are quite welcome, no need to thank.)
I am incomprehensible.
These feelings... these pieces of my inner self... they are nearly untouchable. Unsolvable.
I cannot explain to you and you cannot comprehend.
That is just the way it is.
There are blotches in my head, my heart, my mind, my soul, my self, that cannot be understood or pinpointed or eradicated.
I wish they could.
Maybe they can be.
But currently I am not feeling such hope.
I am all messed up, all mixed-around, all upside-down and topsy-turvy. I do not understand myself and don't know where I left the path. What happened to me? A good question, one that begs a much-needed answer, but I do not have it and am afraid I never will.
---
This is a Raw Confession, and you are nearly an angel (metaphorically speaking, mind you).
This a burst of evening emotion.
Come morning I will feel differently. Perhaps I will even regret pressing "publish". I will reevaluate, reconsider, rethink myself, my words, my claims.
But right now--currently--this is how I am feeling.
This is what's up.
This is it.
---
Thank You. ♱🍃
Hi Emily, I'm reading 3 months later, but the sentiment's the same. You are a twin watching your twin in pain. You are a teenager watching another teenager experience new emotions in love, and there's less time for you. You are also going through one the absolutely hardest times in life....teenager. As you've written in the past, Jesus is still there, the same yesterday, today and forever. But you can still be lonely. Just be aware that every other teenager you encounter is also filled with this 'confusion' whether it looks like it or not. Don't be afraid to approach them. You are still you. You have not left any path. And yes, you probably felt a little bit different in the morning! BTW, I am LOVING your writings! I didn't write like you, but many times I did write down my emotions and thoughts, and when I re-read them a week, months, or years later, I realized it was the writing that helped me get through times of confusion. Love to you and your whole family....Chris
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